80s Aussie BBQ

Found this in an old box after the sale of a Hunter Valley winery.

Can't you just hear the song, "April Sun in Cuba":

Take me to the April Sun in Cuba, wo-oh-oah! Take me where the April sun gonna treat me so right. So right.

What happened next???

As our ol' PM Bob Hawke said back in 1983:

"Any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum."

P.s. Double click photo to get the full effect!

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Deeply superficial

How my future turned Rosé...
Reading Tracey Emin's Guardian column, "My Life in a Column"

Tracey Emin drinks Rosé whilst making deeply confessional art. Inspired, I started drinking bottles of the stuff. And became deeply superficial. Let me tell you what happened.

Tracey did

Firstly, I'll admit it: I never really drank much Rosé. I only started because Tracey did. Not only because she's my favourite contemporary artist, but I guess, I'm going to be as confessional as Tracey here... maybe if I drink enough Rosé I could actually kinda... be Tracey.

You know, in between showing work in Venice and New York, she's at her home in East London tending her rose garden or getting totally sloshed on Rosé and sending emotionally slippery text messages to long distance friends.

Oh my god! That's... me!

Get a grip of things

Ok, go ahead, quibble, "but she's an internationally famous conceptual artist!" Ok, sure. Whatever. But listen, it could be me...if I was an internationally famous conceptual artist.

I'm at my studio. I'm half a bottle of rosé down. It's five o'clock. It's Friday afternoon and it's Crackerjack time. Fuck it, I make my own invitations. I phone J Sheekey and book a table for six for 10pm.

Then, slowly, everyone at the table is transformed from ghostly apparitions to really good, close friends.

At that, I demand to know where my food is, to find I have already eaten it, and have already paid the bill, and have knocked back half a bottle of dessert wine on top of the three bottles of rosé. Nice one Trace. Really cool. See how you've got a grip of things?

So. There. You're probably wondering, how did I go about becoming Tracey Emin? Or more to the point, how could I drink so much cheap Rosé?

What do you look for in a Rosé?

It's not like it seizes you with any characteristics in particular; indeed, it often doesn't have that many. But that's not the point. It's a general feeling you get from it, rather than a particular excellence.

Bottle after bottle of the stuff, all I could tell you is what I didn't like. I didn't like Rosé that had confectionary coconut-ice characters, tasted like lolly water, had a fluorescent colour, or a strawberry lipgloss aftertaste.

Then I found one I did like and I couldn't drink anything else. The Marquis De Goulaine Les Landelles Rose De Loire 2005. I bought 3 dozen of it.

Grolleau, Cabernet Franc, Gamay grapes (fantastic - never heard of them!) it is sunset-orange in colour, turkish delight tasting, low enough in alcohol to drink a bottle and still be able to think before presssing "send" to a very very wrong text message.

Here's a picture of my – I mean, her – installation. I saw it at the Saatchi Gallery in London (nb: they don't like you trying to climb in).

Tracey Emin "Everyone I Have Ever Slept With 1963 - 1995"

Oh! There's another thing – I own a tent, too. But I guess the difference is, unlike Tracey – if I'm going to be really honest here – there's no way I'd remember Everyone I Have Ever Slept With.

Holy Trinity

“We should meet 4 a drink!”

Why? I've been avoiding this person for weeks. I text back: ok meet me at XXX (my local bar).

At least I'll be safe there. The two bartenders have come to known me over the years. Friendly but with a professional – let's face it, realistic – distance. Mutual respect. When I come in they give me a friendly nod while I wait by myself in the corner.

The wine list here is excellent. I don't wait long before choosing the yum Grant Burge Holy Trinity Grenache Shiraz Mouvedre 2002. Expensive; but, at least my whole night hasn't been wasted. This is the perfect wine to have while waiting alone in a bar. I'd never afford a bottle, so by the glass works well. And in an oversized Reidel glass, it looks like liquid garnet. The aftertaste lingers, so there's no way you nervously gulp it. It demands to be taken slowly.

"What's the cheapest red wine you have?" he asks the bartender dismissively.

Why? Why not just order a beer?

What's the point of this meeting? Does he think I'll get drunk easily and go home with him? Not even a bottle of wine, 3 vodka tonics and a tequila shot would get me there at this rate. The barman instinctively brings me another glass of the same. Unfortunately, even a great wine like this can't make the conversation more interesting.

I politely leave and walk home alone feeling warm. Enjoying the glow of this beautiful red wine was more to me than anything I ever had with this guy. The whole world is my company. Everyone in Kings Cross is lovely. Why? I don't know why, and I can't help but smile one of those silly smiles that even make the drug-f*cked paranoids in the Cross smile back.

The lesson? Most wines are better with company, but a good wine can stand alone. But I guess not every wine experience can be the holy trinity.

Theory of Capacity by Len Evans

The Len Evans
THEORY OF CAPACITY

1. There is an awful lot of wine in the world, but there is also a lot of awful wine.

2. No sensible person drinks to excess. Therefore any one person can drink only a certain predictable amount.

3. There are countless flavours, nuances, shades of wine; endless varieties, regions, styles. You have neither the time nor the capacity to drink them all.

4. To make the most of the time left to you, you must start by calculating your future capacity. One bottle of wine a day is 365 bottles a year. If your life expectancy is another thirty years, there are only 10,000-odd bottles ahead of you.

5. People who say, “You can’t drink the good stuff all the time” are talking rubbish. You must drink good stuff all the time. Every time you drink a bottle of inferior wine it’s like smashing a superior bottle against the wall. The pleasure is lost forever. You can’t get the bottle back.

6. There are people who build up huge cellars, most of which they have no hope of drinking. They are foolish in overestimating their capacity, but they err on the right side and their friends love them.

7. There are also people who don’t want to drink good wine and are happy with the cheapies. I forgive them. There are others who are content with beer and spirits. I can’t worry about everybody.

8. Wine is not meant to be enjoyed merely for its own sake, it is the key to love and laughter with friends, to the enjoyment of food and beauty and humour and art and music. It rewards us far beyond its cost.

9. What part is wine of your life? Ten per centum? Then ten per centum of your income should be spent on wine.

10. The principles of the theory should be applied to other parts of life. A disciple of the theory kissed a beautiful young lady, who demurred. He was aghast and said, “Don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve worked out that I can make love only another 1,343 times… and I’m bloody sure I’m not wasting one on you.”


RIP Len (1930-2006)

Top 5 Songs on Drinking

So you thought I was going to mention Red Red Wine? No, sorry. I refuse to listen to songs I've heard in either a Westfield Shopping Mall or blaring out of the strip clubs while walking home through Kings Cross. And I've heard this song in both.

Instead, TA-DA!, here are my (totally subjective) top 5 songs about drinking...

5. All I Wanna Do is Have Some Fun – Sheryl Crow

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Yes, yes, you I can hear you groan, so what? Are you serious? But when you really listen, who hasn’t been there in their early twenties, drinking beers while travelling? Listening to it now, it seems like an absolute luxury sitting in a bar talking to local characters. I first heard this when I was 19 and walking around Rome and it seemed like everyone was listening to it. It’s almost Dionysion; under the happy upbeat guitar there’s something dark and maudlin going on when you really listen:

“All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die, says the man next to me, from I don’t know where. Apropos of nothing, he says his name is William but I'm sure it's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy… I wonder if he’s had a day of fun in his whole life… We are drinking beer on noon on Tuesday.”

The unexpected philosophical musings of Sheryl Crow leads to number 4 on my list:

4. The Power of Positive Drinking – Lou Reed

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“I don’t like mixers... or sob sisters.”

I hear you, Lou.

This song is really a catalogue of all the different characters and reasons why people drink. You’ll hear every line you have heard from every old man and publican at a bar, like the classic:

“Some people ruin their drink with ice, then they ask you for advice. I've never told this to anyone else before...”

Lou Reed, he's just a got face you can trust.

3. Two More Bottles of Wine – Emmylou Harris

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Ahhh, a sad little country tune from the country musician’s musician. Things are pretty bad for Emmy Lou working in a warehouse in outer LA, her boyfriend’s left her but “everything’s alright because it’s midnight and I got two more bottles of wine”. Emmy Lou is seeing in the sunrise. Hopefully.

2. Barfly – Ray LaMontagne

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Did Ray LaMontagne watch the original Barfly movie before he wrote this mellow work? It’s as if he has channelled Charles Bukowski's spirit and put it in a song; the jack daniels guitar, the soft drums, the thin wire of grief in his voice. The bar stools are packed up on the tables for the night and he’s still there sitting over the last drops of whiskey in his ice.

1. Too drunk to f**k – Dead Kennedys/Nouvelle Vague

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This Nouvelle Vague version of this song reminds me of a great party and having crazy conversations with the funniest girl who didn’t give a shit what people thought because she’s from out of town. And I danced all night. Both versions have all the rollercoaster emotions razorsharp. And let’s face it, at least it’s honest - "Sorry nup just can’t I’ve had 16 beers fallin down stairs - you're out of luck."

Honourable mention: Tom Waits, because I couldn’t choose one song; nearly every song could have made the top five. Even Waltzing Matilda could have been on this list, the way he sings it. Here’s my favourite Tom Waits song…The Piano has been drinking. (Not me.)

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I know there are so many songs I’ve missed, so let me know your favourites.

What makes a wine sexy?

Sometimes you have a relationship with a wine like a first boyfriend. You'll always have a special place in your heart for them. There's an intensity you rarely get with anyone after. You want to grasp on to the memory. You buy out every bottle in the same vintage. But you get older, shit happens, it's the next vintage, and it's just not the same. But you still think fondly of that time, chasing the thrill in other wines; looking for the same tastes, smells and textures for years after.

What makes a wine sexy? I'll go into what I think makes a sexy wine, in particular and generally.

If you really want to have a good night with someone choose a wine that changes over time. This usually means the wine is quite special. Maybe it is a rare wine, or from a single vineyard or a variety like Pinot Noir that is as fickle as the wind blows.

Most wines change in contact with the air, but excellent wines develop complexity and depth from a little breathing. Almost as if it is a different wine altogether by the end of the night. Every taste is like going deeper into another new dimension. Like walking into a wood, and before you realise it, you can not see the sunlight and it's quite dark. Sometimes becoming completely lost. Ok, that lost feeling may be the alcohol kicking in, but you get what I mean - it's an adventure. Just like meeting a new love.

In general, a sexy wine for me has a bit of a dirty smell. (Oh yeah course it would, I hear you say. Come with me here...) French, Italian and Hunter Valley wines often have this funky smell. It's often descibed as barnyard, brambly, forest floor. Sometimes it's a technical "fault" like brett. Sometimes it's just because they are not over-mechanicized wines; the grapes have been stomped on out in the open air rather than stainless steel vats. (You can see why these wines are often more expensive).

I'm drinking tonight what I would call a classic "dirty" wine; people either love or hate it: Tyrrells Vat 84 Hunter Valley Shiraz 2002.

A lot of people are repulsed by it, like they are to strong cheese. But I don't understand those people. I mean, imagine what they are like in bed? "Eww. You want me to do what? That's disgusting." Disgusting? God, boring!

Purists say brett is a fault. But when I get to know someone I cherish the faults as unique, giving character. The same with wine. The earthiness gives it another level of enjoyment. It goes without saying, good, clean people don't often make for interesting experiences in bed.

If the wine is simply dirty - and I've had this passed off on me in French restaurants here in Sydney where the wine hasn't been stored or shipped properly - it will give you a hangover. It must also have complexity. There is a high-tone soprano perfume, like red berry or rose petal, to balance the dark bass line that lingers on in the amplifier after the end of the song.

Sure, a lot of wine is about who you are with, the occasion and the mood you are in. But there's nothing like a wine that climaxes through the night, if you know what I mean.

Why not?

"Wino, kobiety i śpiew"
("Wine, Women & Song" in Polish)

No, I can't speak Polish. But if I could, I'd prefer this title for the blog. Can you see why? It just sounds like the sequence of events on a big night out.

I bring the wine (the wino I am), lose my sobriety ("yeah, yeah sure I'm kobiety) and... um, you can work out the rest.

So. Why am I writing a blog when I write about wine all day? Well, I still love the stuff. In Vino Veritas. In wine is truth.

So let's get to the bottom of the bottle together! Why not?

Love
jmd